A heavy heart full of joy.

I haven't blogged in such a long time, but I think this deserves to be shared.

As some of you know, I am returning back to Ghana on my second trip in less than 2 weeks. My heart cannot contain the excitement and joy. Although, this still feels so surreal at the same time. Has a year really come and gone? Not a day goes by that I do not miss the little ones I loved, the beauty of the jungle, and God's presence that was so thick you could feel it. It has become easier over time. Easier to function in a place where the people look only inward; storing up food in their bellies, money in their banks, clothes in their closet, and toys for their enjoyment. Only living for selfish desires and the empty lies of the enemy. I, over time, realized that I was once that same person. I could not blame them because these people have not experienced the things I came face to face with. The extent of their knowledge is the tv commercial of starved children on the side of a road as depressing music played in the background. Their choice was to endure the commercial until their tv show came back on or simply change the channel. There was no action to be taken, no response. You will never understand until you see it with your own eyes, feel it with your hands, hold it in your arms, and smell the stench of poverty, brokenness, hopelessness, and abandonment. So my response when times are hard to bare: grace. I was once just as foolish, but God graciously allowed me to see the world through His eyes. For that, I am grateful.

This month has been a challenging one. I have been staying in Port Arthur, Texas with ten others as we learn to make disciples and prepare our hearts for Ghana.

God has been speaking to me and teaching me in many ways. The past few months before DM have been a struggle in my relationship with Christ. I had become complacent. Idols, sin, and laziness took over my life. Then the enemy began to lie to me by saying I'm not good enough to go to Ghana, and that I'm not worthy enough for God to use me anymore. I believed him, and my anxiety progressively got worse. So going into DM my heart was heavy and breaking. Jesus healed me though. As we began our bible studies, I realized that I had to repent and run back to Jesus. I picked myself up and just began to let God transform me again.

He has placed Luke:26-27 on my heart throughout my time at DM.

It reads: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple."

If I want to follow Jesus, I have to love Jesus so much that everything in comparison looks like hate. I have to lay my life at the foot of the cross and abandon everything I am. He has to become Lord over my life. Some many think this is crazy, but I can assure you, there is no greater joy or fulfillment than living for a risen and living King wholeheartedly. This world has nothing to offer me. I was created for the Creator. I am chosen for a purpose.

He has also been really been igniting the fire in heart again for the nations. I am overwhelmed with the thought of this. There are people in the world that have no hope. They go day by day not even knowing the name of Jesus. This verse hit me in the chest:

"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” Romans 10:14-15. 

"How are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard?" rings in my ears. I feel so inadequate though. I can think of a thousand reasons why I'm not "fit" for this task, but all God is asking from me is obedience. All I am is a vessel for the Holy Spirit to do only what He can: save. He will empower me to do whatever is ahead. The fear of persecution creeps around in my mind as I think about this. The fear of dying as a result of sharing the Gospel tightens my chest. This could very much happen to me someday. Will I be bold enough to endure it? As I dwell on the promises of His word, His goodness, His faithfulness, the fears slip away. I am reminded of the verse in Philippians 1 that says "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." I think the persecution that is temporal cannot compare with what awaits for all eternity. I believe this is a risk worth taking. We have a responsibility, Christians. 

Matthew 24 says: "And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."

We are to set a platform for Christ to come back and take us home. We are to go to those unreached places and to proclaim boldly the Gospel as we make disciples so the Good News will be spread even further until every tribe, tongue, and nation is reached. What a glorious day it will be when that trumpet sounds.

As you can tell, I have a heavy heart. God is transforming me into a obedient follower, teaching me His ways, convicting my heart, using me, and giving me a burden for the nations. This heavy heart excites me though. It excites me because God is alive and working in my life. All the glory belongs to Him. At the end of my life the only thing I hope to accomplish is hearing the words, "well done my good and faithful servant."