My heart is overflowing.
Friday and Saturday I
attended the Passion Conference in Houston. Before I begin to tell you the
things that God did in my heart, let me tell you where my heart has been preconference.
I have been stuck. I’ve been
walking through life for a while so distant from the Lord. I have put idols in
front of the God who saved my sinful soul from hell and accredited me righteous
in sight of His holiness. Sound really stupid when I put it that way, huh? Such
stupidity. Such ignorance. Foolishness. How could I? The enemy has wedged his
way into my weaknesses like a snake. He has fed me lies that I held on to
ignoring God’s goodness, ignoring His calling. I have been miserable for
months. I held on to tangible things that could NEVER satisfy my soul like
Jesus. I thought I had it all figured out. The plans I made for myself were
more important than those of my Sovereign God. As I was faced with those things
being taken away from me, I was forced to run back to Jesus. As I ran back to
Him, my heart still couldn’t feel. It was calloused. I began to pray that He
would be enough for me again. That I would be found whole in Jesus. That He
would begin to use me again. That I would find satisfaction in walking in His
presence daily. I saw Him show up here and there. He was kind of giving me a
jolt, but not yet fully reviving me. I waited, and I began to get impatient.
The enemy was trying to make me grab ahold of the things I was trying to let go
of. It was an exhausting battle. However, I somehow knew that He was going to
do something big over this weekend at Passion.
A while back God spoke to me
through the passage in Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on the water in the middle
of a storm and calls out to Peter to come onto the water with Him. Let me
refresh your memory:
“Immediately he made the
disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he
dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the
mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the
boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the
wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them,
walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they
were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But
immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be
afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you
on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the
water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning
to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand
and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you
doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat
worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33.
This has stuck with me for a
while now. I have to constantly remind myself to keep my eyes on Jesus, because
when I take my eyes of the One who calls “come,” I will sink like doubting
Peter. I’ve struggled with this though. I thought for a long time that I was
keeping my eyes on Jesus when out of my peripherals I was actually focusing on the waves
and storm. I, Brettnay, was still sinking.
This is all going to tie
together, bear with me.
So this weekend I waited in
expectation for God to move, to speak, to do something. I was desperate and
tired. Passion was good. I was getting a lot out of it, but the Holy Spirit
wasn’t speaking directly to me. I was getting so much out of the speakers and the
worship was phenomenal, but I was beginning to get disappointed. I needed to intimately
meet with Jesus.
The nations have a tender
spot in my heart. I have been so incredibly blessed that God has graciously
opened my eyes to His purpose:
“After this I looked, and
behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all
tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the
Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out
with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to
the Lamb!” Revelation 7:9-10
“And this gospel of the
kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all
nations, and then the end will come.” Matthew 24:14
“Therefore go and make disciples
of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of
the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And
surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
The weight of “every tribe,
tongue, and nation” coming to the knowledge of Jesus Christ weighs heavy on my
heart. And what weighs even heavier is that He has chosen me to go. For so long
I have suppressed this calling. I was filled with fear. What if God sends me
somewhere where I will have to endure persecution or even death? What if the
man I thought so surely I was going to marry was not called to the nations and
I had to let him go and be alone on this journey? The enemy filled me
with this fear and that made me try to compromise my calling. “Well, I don’t know
if I’m really called to go.” “Maybe God isn’t calling me full time.” “Maybe I
am just supposed to be a sender.” When my heart knew that wasn’t the case. It
was exhausting and I couldn’t share in the joy of Jesus because I was being disobedient.
This weekend at Passion the
nations weighed heavy on my heart. The conference was funding Bibles to Iranian
people and they told the story of a lady that was doing everything in her power
to reach the people of her nation. They showed a video of her giving her
testimony. She came to know Jesus through the Word and spent her life smuggling
Bibles and telling people everywhere she went about this Jesus that saved her.
It is illegal in Iran to be a Christian, and the police found out about her and
threw her in prison. She did not know how long she would be there, if she would
die, etc. This women signed her death sentence when she made Jesus Lord. Such
boldness. She was at the conference and everyone gave her a standing ovation.
She humbly pointed to Jesus. My heart was full of joy to see what God is doing in
the nations and that 17,000 people were able to get a glimpse of it. Then
Francis Chan gave testimony of his recent trip to Africa and showed a picture
of him and a child that was naked and you could see every bone in his frail body. I
have seen poverty, but not like that. It reminded me of all the children that
have my heart in Ghana. I was beginning to be reminded of my purpose. It was
becoming something I could no longer deny.
During worship, I spent some
time praying. I asked Jesus to be enough for my heart. I asked Him to move. I
admitted that I haven’t kept my eyes on the one who calls me to walk upon the
water. I have been looking at the storm and I am sinking. I spoke the scripture
into my prayer saying, “when Peter looked away and began to sink, he called out
to you to save him, and You, without hesitation, grabbed his hand and pulled him
out of the water. Do that for me now.” I am done with the fear. I will not let
the enemy have that hold on me anymore and I will be obedient to whatever He calls
me to because He is enough. He is better.
Throughout the conference
missions weren’t really emphasized. The last session Louis Giglio preached a
messaged about Isaiah. His main point was this: “We are stunned, seared, and
sent.” Isaiah saw God on His heavenly throne. Isaiah was stunned. “Woe is me,”
he cried. He fell to his face in the presence of the Almighty. When we see
Jesus we are like Isaiah. When we meet Jesus in a supernatural way we can’t
move; we are stunned. But then the seraphim takes a burning coal and touches it
to Isaiah’s lips. Isaiah was a dead man. He knew that. When the seraphim
approached him, he was probably thinking this heavenly creature was going to
end him with this flaming coal that was heading straight for him, but it was
actually God's grace. The seraphim touched his lips and cleansed him. He was seared. The
coal that came from the alter of God made him clean, just as Jesus came from
His throne to clean us. We are seared. And then God asks the question, “Who
will go for us, who can I send?” Isaiah with no details, no idea what he was
saying yes to said, “Send me. Here I am.” In that moment Louis gave invitation,
and then said, “you know what, I haven’t even asked who is being called to go
to the nations, but there will be people in every section of this stadium will
stand up.” Boom. Right then I felt the
Holy Spirit. He was speaking directly to me. Louis finished by saying, “you are
going to stand up without the details, and all you know is that you will spend
majority of your life outside of American soil because you have been sent. You
want the nations to know the Jesus that saved you, and you will spend your life
sharing that.” He called us to stand and my heart was overflowing. The God of
the universe was with me, speaking to me, calling me, showing me grace, leading
me to His will. I could not deny it any longer. I am sent. And I am satisfied in
that because Jesus Himself said, “Behold, I am with you always, to the very end
of the age.”
So friends, be encouraged.
Know that our God is a jealous God who will work all things out until He alone
is enough and until His will alone is accomplished. And when those things
become the center of your heart, your cup will overflow. Don’t fight it,
embrace it.
Please pray for me as God
leads, and pray that the nations will be reached for the Glory of God through
Christ Jesus, simply because He is worthy.
